Funny Cool Forwards

☼ ☼ SIDE EFFECTS of working in the IT sector !!! ☼ ☼
These are real life anecdotes shared by IT workers.

Bhavik
I once left home to go to the market wearing my Infosys ID card
and did not realize till my friend asked me why I was wearing it !!!!
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Ashok
few days back I slept at 11:30 in the night and woke up in the morning
at 7:00 and suddenly thought that I haven't completed 9.15 hours and
laughed at myself when I realised that.
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Jyotsna
One from me too...
Just after our training completion in Mysore and posting to Pune,
me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants. .
And as I finished.. I started walking towards the wash basin with plates in my hand..
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Abhijeet
Jus to add...
Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around.
I went on to ask, "why is she not attending the status call?"
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Anup
I don't login to orkut, yahoo, gmail, youtube, etc..
at my personal internet connection at home...
thinking it will be blocked any way.
Till I realize - I am at home.
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Rohit
Yeah sometimes it do happens with me also........ ....
keeping hands in front of tap for waiting
water to drop by itself is very frequent with me.......... .....
I jus forget that we have to turn on and off the tap......... ..
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Nidhi
Once after talking to one of my friends
I ended the conversation saying ...
" Ok bye...in case of any issues will call u back"
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Nisha
Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message
from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe its in the recycle bin
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Farina
I was about to throw my hand towel into the bin after drying my hand..... at home
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Bhabani
Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys.
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Nisha
Kinda a same experience for me too..
I gave my office mail id and password to access Gmail and
wondered when they became invalid???
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Sandy
I have a experience to share tooo ..
I was earlier working at the back office of an international Bank.
We used to 'dispatch' lot of Credit / Debit cards and
statements for the customers and track its delivery later.
Once my granma was admitted in a hospital,
my team mate once casually asked me
" howz ur granma doing now ? still in hospital ? " ...
and i replied to her " She is better now ,
she will dispatched from the hospital tomorrow !"
This was followed by a loud laugh in the entire bay !
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Sandeep
Once I went to a pharmacy n asked for a tab....
pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg.....
I replied 256mg....thank god he didn't notice.
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Ashwin
Me getting a thought of doing an Alt+Tab while switching
from a news channel to the DVD while watching TV.
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Vidyarthi
And I - after a forty hour marathon in Bhubaneshwar with Powerbuilder,
decided to take a break and went to a movie. In the middle of the movie,
when I wanted to check the time,
I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the theatre screen!

Most Funny Real 20 Truths of Life !!!

1. Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.

2.Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3.Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4.They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted Cash.

5.A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.

6.Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7.Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without… but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

8.You can’t buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9.True friends stab you in the front.

10.Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11.Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.(lykwise me..)

12.Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13.My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

14.Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15.Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16.It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17.They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18.Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19.Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20.Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him' OK, what
happened to your back?'

The patient replies 'You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my
bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find
anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's
how I strained my back'

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said 'My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?'

He replied, 'You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running
late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.'

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, 'What the hell happened
to youuuuuu.... .?'

'Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor'!!

The Leave Applications;)

• Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."
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• This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
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• Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
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• From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
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• Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
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• An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
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• A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
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• Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
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• Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
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• Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
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• Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
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• Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
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• A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Computer Science professor Randy Pausch.
This is amazing, he died of pancreatic cancer in 2008, but wrote a book 'The last lecture" before then, one of the best-sellers in 2007. What a legacy to leave behind.
In a letter to his wife Jai and his children, Dylan, Logan, and Chloe, he wrote this beautiful "guide to a better life" for his wife and children to follow.
May you be blessed by his insight.



POINTS ON HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

Personality:
1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment
3. Don't over do; keep your limits
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
6. Dream more while you are awake
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you
12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.
Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
13. Smile and laugh more
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community:
15. Call your family often
16. Each day give something good to others
17. Forgive everyone for everything
18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
19. Try to make at least three people smile each day
20. What other people think of you is none of your business
21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
22. Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do.
23. GOD heals everything
24. Do the right things
25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
27. The best is yet to come
28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it
30. If you know GOD you will always be happy. So, be happy.

While you practice all of the above, share this knowledge with the people you love, people you school with,
people you play with, people you work with and people you live with.
Not only will it enrich YOUR life, but also that of those around you.

Nandan Nilekani's dream - how the national ID card will work

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's he..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... You're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu.....Your home number is 2x26xxxx, your office 250xxxxx and your mobile is 09xxxxxxxx. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Nano car,...registration number GZ-05-AB-1107.."

Customer: " ?"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir.. Remember on 15th July 2010 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints]

Lufthansa Airlines

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the
captain :"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have
lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the
ocean".

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but
were
somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an
emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that
all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the
swimmers are on the right side of the plane after this announcement all
the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's
request.

Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The
captain once again made an announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the
swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and
quickly swim away from the plane.

For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You For
Flying Lufthansa- ".


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Delta Airlines

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system saying,

"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our
carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank
You
for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

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British Airways

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.

We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the
Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that
the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your
captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a
recorded message."

UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.
-Dennis Ritchie
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Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.
—Ralph Johnson
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Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
-Fred Brooks
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It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it;
It's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.
-Steve McConnell
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The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure,
and the intelligent are full of doubt.
-Bertrand Russell
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If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
Then programming must be the process of putting them in..
-Edsger Dijkstra
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You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic;
You cannot have both at the same time.
–Bertrand Meyer
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There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.
-Alan J. Perlis
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Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring
aircraft building progress by weight.
-Bill Gates
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The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time.
The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.
-Tom Cargill
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Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs.
The Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots.
So far the Universe is winning.
-Anonymous
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Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works.
Programmers combine Theory and Practice:
Nothing works and they don't know why.
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The Six Phases of a Project:
• Enthusiasm
• Disillusionment
• Panic
• Search for the Guilty
• Punishment of the Innocent
• Praise for non-participants

A Professor at one of the IIM's was explaining marketing concepts to
the Students:

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you
walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and
then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you
"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich.. Marry me!" She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. -
"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. -
"That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she
goes with him -
"That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your
wife arrives. -
"That's restriction for entering new markets"

According to Karen Burns, the author of the illustrated career advice book The Amazing Adventures of Working Girl: Real-Life Career Advice You Can Actually Use, these words are simply “vague”. It makes your resume look like everyone elses.

She advises:

You want your resume to stand out. The best way to sell yourself is to show, don’t tell. Explain your accomplishments rather than spouting them off in trite ways. So check your resume for these boilerplate words and phrases. If you find them, replace them–or at the very least, elaborate upon them — with real-life, specific examples.

So when making your resume, keep the following words out of the scene.

1. Team player

2. Detailed-oriented

3. Proven track record of success

4. Experienced

5. Excellent communication skills

6. Leadership skills

7. Go-to person

8. Managed cross-functional teams

9. Exceptional organizational skills

10. Self-starter

11. Results-oriented professional

12. Bottom-line orientated

13. Works well with customers

14. Strong negotiation skills

15. Goal-oriented

16. People-person

17. Dynamic

18. Innovative

19. Proven ability

20. Top-flight

21. Motivated

22. Bottom-line focused

23. Responsible for

24. Assisted with

25. Skilled problem solver

26. Accustomed to fast-paced environments

27. Strong work ethic

28. Works well with all levels of staff

29. Met (or exceeded) expectations

30. Savvy business professional

31. Strong presentation skills

32. Looking for a challenging opportunity

33. Cutting-edge

34. Multi-tasker

35. Proactive

36. Seasoned professional

37. Perfectionist

38. Highly skilled

39. Functioned as

40. Duties included

41. Actions encompassed

42. Best-in-class

43. Strategic thinker

44. Trustworthy

45. Flexible

46. Works well under pressure

47. Quick learner

48. Partnered with others

49. Results-focused

50. Out-of-the-box thinker

An elephant has 5 bananas and it is hungry, but yet it does not eat the bananas. Why?


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Because the bananas are made of plastic.

Next.Q





The 5 bananas are real , but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?

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Because the elephant is made of plastic.

Hahhaa.never give up.one more..




Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it.
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Because the bananas are in the TV.

Ooops!!! Cool down.





Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it
cannot eat it. Why?


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Because they are on different channels.

Now Finally the Elephant gets a chance to eat the bananas. Why?















































Why do u think so much...let that poor animal have some food....n u get back to your work: D ...heheheh !!!!!!!!

Hi................. Trust the fact??????????


>

>

>This is a real story of a young college girl who passed away last month

>in Chandigarh . Her name was Priya. She was hit by a truck.

>

>She is working in a call centre. She has a boy friend named Shankar.

>Both of them are true lovers. They always hang on the phone.You can

>never see her without her handphone. In fact she also changed her

>phone

>from Airtel to Hutch, so both of them can be on the same network, and save

>on the cost.

>

>She spends half of the day talking with shankar. Priya's family knows about

>their relationship. Shankar is very close with Priya's family. (just

>imagine their love) . Before she passed away she always told h er friends

>"If I pass away please burn me with my handphone" she also said the same

>thing to her parents.

>

>After her death, people cudnt carry her body, I was there. A lot of

>them tried to do so but still cant , everybody including me, had tried to

>carry the body, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called a

>person who know to one of their neighbours, who can speak with the soul of

>dead person, who is a friend of her father.

>

>He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly.

>

>After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here." Then her

>friends told that person about her intentions to burn her with her phone.

>He then opened the grave box and place her phone and sim card inside the

>casket. After that they tried to carry the body. It could be moved and

>they carried it into the van easily.

>

>All of us were shocked. Priya's parents did not inform Shankar that

>Priya had passed away.

>

>

>

>After 2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom.....

>

>Shankar :...."Aunty, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me.

>Dont tell Priya that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her."

>Her mother replied....."You come home first, I wanna tell you

>something very important."

>

>After he came, they told him the truth about Priya. Shankar thinks

>that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "dont try to

>fool me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her. Please stop

>this nonsense".

>

>Then they show him the original death certificate to him.

>They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat) He

>said... "Its not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me.

>Shankar was shaking.

>

>Suddenly, Shankar's phone rang. "see this is from Priya, see this...."

>he showed the phone to priya's family. all of them told him to

>answer. he talked using the loudspeaker mode.

>

>All of them heard his conversation.

>

>Loud and clear , no cross lines, no humming.

>

>It is the actual voice of Priya & there is no way others could use her

>sim card since it is nailed.

>

>

>Inside the grave box they were so shocked and asked for the same person's

>(who can speak with the soul of deal perosns) help again. He brought his

>master to solve this matter.

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>He & his master

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>worked for 5 hours.

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>Then they discovered one thing which really shocked

>them...

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>Hutch has the best coverage.

>

>Where ever you go, our network follows!!!

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enjoyed?. HAHAHAHAH